For the last few days I’ve been trying to get myself to sit down and write a post. I knew what I wanted to write about, but just moments ago at 8:03 pm I had a small realization. Before I get ahead of myself, let me start at the beginning.
I’ve struggled with mental illnesses most of my life, I’ve been sheltered from the real world and lived life hour by hour. I would do what I could in life and it was always more than enough for myself and my parents. One day I finally realize I’ve grown up, I’m pretty healthy and I have some responsibilities to take on. I feel this dread and stress when I think about picking up my own plate and washing it in the sink, or being asked to dust a table. Not too long after college comes along and the responsibilities are unbearable. I didn’t know it at the time, but that was my OCD creeping up on me. Finally OCD comes in like a bomb and takes me out. I’m forced to leave and put my life on hold….and deep down inside me I didn’t mind. The scary and stressful responsibilities are taken away. Somehow there is a part of me that doesn’t want to give up my OCD. As much as I hate it and want to laugh again, I am scared to get rid of it.
When I came to Rogers there was about 50% of me that didn’t want to get rid of the OCD. It slowly made its way down to 20% a few weeks ago. After a perfect weekend with my parents who visited (Which will be in a later post…I PROMISE!) My number went down to 10%. I was reminded how it felt to be healthy. Now on to today. I’ve been grumpy all day, there are people who are bothering me and giving me anxiety that is unbearable….and I realize that it’s not the people that are making me restless, it’s being here at Rogers that is making me restless. I’m tired of being in treatment and being sick. I feel a little more ready to face the world and its scary responsibilities. It has been 9 weeks away from home, 8 weeks in the OCD center and I’m ready to be free. I would say that right this second, which is now 8:28 pm that 95% of me is ready to give up my OCD. It makes me very anxious, but in a way it is liberating. I want to be healthy, I want to be healthy, I WANT TO BE HEALTHY! Just typing this makes me smile. I’m ready to move on with my life. I’m ready to learn how to handle responsibility, and I’m ready to become the girl I’ve always been meant to be.
~ I’m staying chipper, are you? ~
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