Putting On My Big Girl Pants

Published by

ChipperChelseaKay

on

March 10, 2015

These last few days I have been very determined to fight my OCD. I’ve been getting dressed, showering, and going out every day. These may seem like simple, mundane tasks to you, but to me they were at one point, nearly impossible. Finally after days of suffering though the anxiety that desperately yearned to take over, Mr. OCD realized that he had lost that battle.

Superhero Me
Now what? Is my OCD gone you ask? No. Sadly, it is not that simple. My next move was to step it up and try to create more anxiety to fight. I decided to put on jean pants instead of sweats. It was and continues to be pure Hell. I decided to put the jeans on for my visit with my psychiatrist that I’ve been with since age thirteen.

The first day I wore those jeans I was overwhelmed with this irrational feeling of absolute fear. I was petrified of nothing in particular, it was just a terror that OCD had created. My whole body tingled as anxiety swam though my veins like a school of fish. It felt as if these jeans were burning right through my skin.

So as I sobbed in the car while my parents drove the two hours and ten minutes, I felt hopeless. The fear had been going on strong already two hours before the car ride. Now it seemed unbearable. I sobbed big ugly sobs, I was shaking, I felt prickly and was hyperventilating. As all this was going on, I had to keep reminding myself that, “It’s okay to feel this way, it is not real and it will go away. It is not real. It is not real. Chelsea it is NOT real.”

As unreal as it was, it most definitely felt real, and it lasted six hours…SIX whole hours of that unbearable horror…only to have to do it again the next day.

Fighting Mental Illness is never an easy job. And because there isn’t anything physically wrong, people can’t understand how grueling and back breaking the fight it really is. To retrain your brain, you are facing all your fears. I guess you could call me Tris from Divergent. I tell myself my fear isn’t real and eventually, it will go away.

Divergent

~ Stay Chipper Friends! ~

Remember, you can always email me at Chipperchelseakay@gmail.com if you find you are relating to something I have written! I’d love to hear from you and hear your stories!

I made my super hero at http://marvel.com/games/play/31/create_your_own_superhero to kick OCD’s butt!

Title inspired by my amazing hair dresser!!

6 responses to “Putting On My Big Girl Pants”

mssarahashley

March 10, 2015

So proud of you for facing your fears, Chelsea. You’re getting stronger every day ☺

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1. ChipperChelseaKay
  
  March 10, 2015
  
  Thank you! Hope your doing well! Sending good vibes 🙂
  
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theoldfellowgoesrunning

March 21, 2015

Chelsea, I admire you for your grit and determination. This is HUGE.

Thank you for sharing with such honesty. There will be readers that will know exactly what you are talking about, because they also may have those experiences. Sadly there is still a stigma in society in regards to mental illness. With blogs such as yours, we WILL break that stigma.

Thank you for sharing!

~Carl~

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1. ChipperChelseaKay
  
  March 21, 2015
  
  Thank you Carl! When I started this, I was so nervous because of the stigma. I know that it’s a hard thing for people to understand and to realize how the brain can makes us do crazy things. I’ve been pleasantly surprised with all the kind and understanding words that people have given me and the many other blogs that are fighting the stigma. Thank you for this encouraging comment! It was a perfect way to wake up this morning! 🙂
  
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  1. theoldfellowgoesrunning
    
    March 21, 2015
    
    “Pleasantly surprised” are the very words that came to my mind when I first started blogging. You will find a lot of kind support here from other bloggers. 🙂
    
    I am really glad you are sharing your story. Hopefully it will be freeing and therapeutic as it has myself. I kept things bottled up inside of me for over 30 years, WAY too long. Finally I wrote this post. http://theoldfellowgoesrunning.com/2014/07/19/the-stigma-of-mental-illness/
    
    I was a brand new blogger, it might not have gotten a lot of views on wordpress, but what really made me nervous and scared, because of the stigma was sharing it on Facebook, where my friends, family c0-workers and even my boss would be reading.
    
    In the end it was a weight off my shoulder. So thank you for being yourself. I admire that.
    
    Sincerely,
    
    Carl
    
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  2. ChipperChelseaKay
    
    March 21, 2015
    
    It has been such a great therapeutic experience, and I feel great after writing a post. I know that since I try to end my thoughts on a positive note, my thought process has become much more positive. I’ll go and check out you’re post right now, thank you for sharing it with me! I haven’t shared my blog on Facebook just yet because like you said, it’s a scary step. But I will eventually. Reading this comment was definitely comforting. Stay Chipper and thanks! 🙂
    
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