These last few days I have been very determined to fight my OCD. I’ve been getting dressed, showering, and going out every day. These may seem like simple, mundane tasks to you, but to me they were at one point, nearly impossible. Finally after days of suffering though the anxiety that desperately yearned to take over, Mr. OCD realized that he had lost that battle.
Now what? Is my OCD gone you ask? No. Sadly, it is not that simple. My next move was to step it up and try to create more anxiety to fight. I decided to put on jean pants instead of sweats. It was and continues to be pure Hell. I decided to put the jeans on for my visit with my psychiatrist that I’ve been with since age thirteen.
The first day I wore those jeans I was overwhelmed with this irrational feeling of absolute fear. I was petrified of nothing in particular, it was just a terror that OCD had created. My whole body tingled as anxiety swam though my veins like a school of fish. It felt as if these jeans were burning right through my skin.
So as I sobbed in the car while my parents drove the two hours and ten minutes, I felt hopeless. The fear had been going on strong already two hours before the car ride. Now it seemed unbearable. I sobbed big ugly sobs, I was shaking, I felt prickly and was hyperventilating. As all this was going on, I had to keep reminding myself that, “It’s okay to feel this way, it is not real and it will go away. It is not real. It is not real. Chelsea it is NOT real.”
As unreal as it was, it most definitely felt real, and it lasted six hours…SIX whole hours of that unbearable horror…only to have to do it again the next day.
Fighting Mental Illness is never an easy job. And because there isn’t anything physically wrong, people can’t understand how grueling and back breaking the fight it really is. To retrain your brain, you are facing all your fears. I guess you could call me Tris from Divergent. I tell myself my fear isn’t real and eventually, it will go away.
~ Stay Chipper Friends! ~
Remember, you can always email me at Chipperchelseakay@gmail.com if you find you are relating to something I have written! I’d love to hear from you and hear your stories!
I made my super hero at http://marvel.com/games/play/31/create_your_own_superhero to kick OCD’s butt!
Title inspired by my amazing hair dresser!!