Hello! I’m so excited to be back. Oh how I’ve missed writing! This post will be more of an update on what has happened these last few months, so, lets get started. After getting out of Rogers Memorial Hospital for my OCD and Anxiety, I had one week home and then I went right off to college. It was a pretty scary step for me. Just a few months earlier, I couldn’t handle anyone mentioning the word “school”, let alone actually attend. But that is exactly what I did, and surprisingly, I felt ready.
My first week back at college was great. It was full of excitement and optimism. I had no real symptoms of my anxiety, except a slight resistance towards showering which is something I think I will always have. That first week back was like the honeymoon stage. I was only taking 4 classes, but after the excitement dimmed, I felt this dread. Dread towards homework, dread towards showering, dread towards cleaning my room, brushing my teeth, and even waking up in the morning. For a week I struggled to attend classes. I would stay in my room and isolate, feeling no motivation. Finally, almost as if I got bored not doing anything, I felt a little more motivated. I picked myself back up and did pretty well. The hardest part was now being behind in classes because of the week I missed. I didn’t realize right away that it would cause a huge breakdown towards the end of the semester.
The fact that I was now behind and struggling to understand the classes made my anxiety peak. Making myself go to class was nearly impossible. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and angry at myself for letting this happen. I was meeting with my therapist Beth twice a week, and the biggest thing I learned from her is that treatment doesn’t just cure you. I expected that once I returned to school, I could just start over as a healthy student. It’s like when a new year arrives and you expect a fresh start. Life doesn’t change that fast. It’s a process. I didn’t expect such bad relapses when I got out of treatment. Beth told me that my recovery will be two steps forward one step back. My brain has been doing the same unhealthy habits for 10 years, retraining it to do the new habits that Rogers taught me isn’t going to be a quick process. This was not something I thought about, but when I relapse, I’m able to understand it and not place blame on myself.
Finally I made it through my first semester back at school. I ended up failing one class, having to take an incomplete in another (which I am fishing up now) getting a C in one, and then surprisingly getting a B in my last. My goal for that semester was to just make it through it, and I did. I couldn’t believe it, I actually did it.
Now, I’m back at school for my January Term which lasts just for the month of January. I am retaking the class I failed, and sadly it’s with a different teacher. He is nice, but his teaching style is not good for me. I’m really struggling with it. I’m struggling to get my homework done as well. I just don’t know what it is. I have no motivation to do it, and the moment I think about it I’m filled with dread. I think my next step is to talk to my psychiatrist and talk about some antidepressants. Maybe it’s depression that has been the culprit for this lack of motivation. We’ll see.
I’m trying to take it one day at a time. That’s all you can do.
~Stay Chipper Friends~
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