During these last two weeks I have settled into a chair multiple times with my computer trying to write, but I was far too anxious. Finally on Tuesday I was able to write but it was filled with too much negativity making it quite upsetting to read. An hour after, I ended up having a huge breakdown. My OCD has really stepped up his game. He knows that I am going to be fighting him when I go to Rogers Memorial Hospital, and he doesn’t like it. My anxiety has been unbearable each day of the week. I wanted to share an entry I wrote in my diary, it really explains how much I was struggling.
My anxiety is washing over me in enormous waves. I tingle from head to foot and my entire body is shaking. I feel panicked and my breathing is shallow, on the edge of hyperventilating. This irrational, but overwhelming fear makes it feel like I need to jump out of my body and get away, but I’m trapped in a jail cell. Instead of iron bars, I have a fleshy skin, preventing me from leaving….I need to leave this body…I need to get out…please God get me away from this anxiety…my shallow breathing has now turned into a full blown panic attack and I can’t handle it. Please, someone help me…get me out.
Thursday was the first day I was able to handle my anxiety. Having that breakdown on Tuesday really helped me. I still can’t get dressed, go out, and eating has become an issue, but I’m staying strong… or at least I’m trying.
When I was in middle school my OCD would make me disgusted by food. It was as if there were worms on my plate instead of food. I became so grossed out by food that at the age of thirteen I weighed 79 pounds. Well, those feelings have come back to the surface, but they are not nearly as bad as before. I’m still able to force myself to eat a few things so I’m happy about that. I do however have a cold. But for some reason, my mood has been better. I’m still trapped in my house, stuck in my pajamas, but I’m working on staying chipper.
So in summary, yes I’m really struggling, so much so that I haven’t been able to write. I’m struggling enough to physically be stopped from thinking positive at times. And as much as I am trying to stay upbeat today, I think another breakdown will be happening in the near future. It’s a constant struggle to keep my thoughts cheerful during these hard times, but I’m lucky to have so much love and support.
~ Stay Chipper Friends ~
P.S I’m afraid I will not be writing as much as I was before, my anxiety is just too strong. I’m thinking of posting on Mondays. I don’t know how it will be when I’m away at Rogers. I still don’t have a date as to when I will be going and I don’t know what the internet policy is.
Remember, if you find yourself nodding along to anything I’ve written, I’d love to hear from you! You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org