There is a point in time when life takes a strike and everything becomes real. The struggles I had before were just a distraction from real life. There comes a time when I need to rejoin society and pop the bubble I have been hiding in, and as scary as it is, and as much as I despise the idea, it needs to be done.
After coming to this realization, my brain hated the outcome and decided to lash out. My OCD and anxiety continue to beat me down, and a black blanket of depression has been placed over my brain. My mental illness does not want me to get the help I desperately need and is kicking and screaming. Everything has gotten worse, and I can either use it to hide from the prying eyes of the real world, or I can rise above it and re-enter the life you all are living. To rise above this, I need more serious help. I need to go back to the amazing residential hospital called Rogers Memorial Hospital. They specialize in many things, a main one is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was there in 2010 when I was fifteen years old and beat my OCD. I was free from it for 3 years, along with my Tourette Syndrome and Depression. It’s time I go back, so I am now officially on the waiting list.
This is really happening, and I am so frightened. I’m scared to rejoin society because once I’m healed, I will have absolutely nothing to blame any failure on. If I slack off, I can’t blame it on my OCD, because it won’t be there. I will be vulnerable, and that thought intimidates me. So all in all, as much as I want to get back to my life and overcome my OCD, there is a huge part of me that wants to hold on to it. I know that Rogers will work on these feelings, but right now I just feel hopeless. I know I need to go, but I don’t want to lose Mr. OCD. I’ve made this choice myself, but it feels like it is my only choice. Because of this hopelessness, Depression has kicked in like I said above. I don’t want to fight OCD right now because in 3 weeks, I’ll be doing in at Rogers. I just see no point in forcing myself to feel the terror that OCD creates when I go out the door, get dressed, wear jeans, and lets not even mention school.
I’ve had a breakdown every day this week because I can’t get over this irrational need to have OCD in my future as an escape route. I don’t know why I feel I need one, but this fear is just so strong.
Am I a little relieved that I will be going to Rogers Memorial Hospital? Yes, I am. I know how wonderful the facility is, the outings and activities they have, and the program. I will be guided by the steps I need to face my fears OCD creates, and the fears I’ve created. As relieved as I am, life has taken it’s strike, and everything feels too real right now. I’m working on staying chipper, so much so, that I’m going to be seeing Cinderella today! Nothing like a happily ever after to brighten my day!
~ Stay Chipper Friends! ~
Remember you can always email me at Chipperchelseakay@gmail.com! I’d love to hear from you!
And if you want to check out Rogers Memorial Hospital here is a link! https://rogershospital.org/ I will be staying in the brand new building of Cedar Ridge for adults and adolescents.
Cover Photo from: http://www.wunderground.com/wximage/shep1478/40