I love when life is going swimmingly; calm waters and happy little fish flip-flopping through the clear blue ocean. However, every once in a while, depression hits like a bolder that violently crushes surface. It scares the fish away, and it sinks deep into the abyss. I want to share my recent experience with depression to bring awareness of how it can affect the happiest of people and completely change them. I have a wonderful life but that does not prevent depression from making its presence known.
My depression has been making unwanted visits to me every few months. It only stays for three to five days, but it is powerful. This past visit lasted a week and really frightened me. It caused me to feel completely empty inside. I would close my eyes and imagine spiders building cobwebs in my ribcage. I felt absolutely no joy. My motivation was nowhere to be seen. I could only feel this vast emptiness inside me. The happiness I had experienced in the past, the incredible New York City adventure I am living, the thrill of a new job and the festive Christmas spirit was forgotten entirely. My depression had gone from bad to worse within a day. Suicidal ideations made an appearance. I had the thought that if I did not have my parents and was not so close towards reaching my goals, I would take a handful of my pills and just end it. I could not see any purpose in life. I knew I wouldn’t do it, that I had those two important things in my life that grounded me, but I had forgotten the rest of the treasures that existed. How quickly my mind came to that conclusion simply out of the blue frightens me. I was a shell of a person. I sunk into my couch and gazed into a world of nothingness. As I turned to stone, the world around me kept going at its fast-paced speed.
My life is wonderful. I am so thankful for the opportunities I have been given. I have learned that life is full of ups and downs and that it is okay. I’ve learned not to let the downs derail me as much as they would have in the past. My depression has subsided for now, and I am back to being the happy go lucky girl I usually am. I know it will come again but I do not dread that day. I hope I can find a way to escape the tunnel vision of hopelessness that comes along with the depression. To be able to remember that it will only last a few days, to keep pushing along, and to force myself – no matter how impossible it seems – to get out of my apartment and go for a walk! Depression can create violent waves in a peaceful ocean, but my boat is still afloat and ready to face any hurricane the future has in store for me.
I have started journaling again and am keeping track of my mood each day to discover if there are patterns in my emotions. I am very lucky to be at a place in life where I can manage my mental health pretty well. I am lucky to have a wonderful support team and to have goals that keep me going each day. I know I will experience depression now and again and I am okay with that. As long as I can try and be aware that there is more to life than the emptiness depression has forced upon me. If anyone has tricks on escaping the tunnel vision, let me know! I’d love to hear your tips and tricks on managing depression.
~ Stay Chipper Friends ~
If you are experiencing something similar and would like some support, you are welcome to call this hotline. I have heard of positive experiences with it. 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
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